Letting Go Is Also Love – Learning to Let My Adult Children Go

Not long ago, during our weekly datenight, my husband and I were having dinner at a cozy restaurant. Somewhere between the appetizer and the main course, he said something that really struck a chord — even though it was hard to hear:
“I think our life would be a lot more fun if you worried less about the kids.”

Our children are all around their thirties. And yes, I’ll admit it: their worries still feel like mine. But he continued:
“Maybe you’re not actually helping them by solving their problems. Maybe you’re holding them back from growing.”

His words echoed in my mind for days. What if he was right? What if my support wasn’t helping, but actually holding them back?

Later, I spoke with a colleague who shared something that made me think even deeper. Her father once told her:
“I don’t want to talk about my worries about your job, your finances, or your relationships anymore. I just want to enjoy our time together.”

She said their relationship became so much more relaxed and enjoyable after that — less judgment, more connection.

Maybe that’s what real love is at this stage: trusting in their strength instead of rushing in to rescue them. After all, they’re strong, wise, and more than capable.

I also know myself well enough to realize this wouldn’t come naturally for me. So I made it a bit of a ritual.

We invited the kids over — told them we had something to discuss. Once they were reassured that no one was sick and there wasn’t any bad news, we all sat down around the kitchen table.

I told them they were “done” — fully baked adults. That they had grown into amazing human beings, and it was time to shift our relationship from parent-child to adult-to-adult. More equal. More respectful.

I explained that I wanted to step back a little. To give them space to make their own choices. But also that we’re always here — for a listening ear or advice — but only if they ask for it.

I’m now consciously trying to bring up only positive topics. Not pushing when they share something difficult. Not immediately offering to take over or help solve their problems.

That takes some getting used to — for me, but also for them.

Because I’m deliberately not calling or texting as much to give them their own space, we speak less often. And because I don’t dig deeper, I know less about what’s going on. But we soon found a new rhythm. The kids call regularly and share what they want — which makes our conversations more interesting.

I’m now able to enjoy their company more — without switching into “parent mode.” And I’m learning a lot — because they handle some things very differently than I would.

It took some adjusting — for me, and for them.
At first, we spoke less. I knew less about what was going on in their lives. But soon, a new rhythm developed. They started calling more often — and sharing what they wanted to share.

The conversations became more interesting. I got to really see them — not just as my kids, but as the fantastic adults they’ve become.

And I’ve learned so much — they handle things in ways I never would have thought of. It’s inspiring.

I’m learning that letting go doesn’t mean becoming distant. It means giving them the freedom to walk their own path. 

Honestly? My life feels lighter. And our life — as parents of independent, grown children — has become much more joyful.

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